LA WOMAN

I've wanted to go to Hollywood since, well, forever. As a little kid I'd sing songs from Annie, hoping to be discovered... in the privacy of my bedroom. If anyone came even close to my door I'd immediately clam up. Broadway, Hollywood - it was all the same in my 9-year old mind. When I finally got to Hollywood it was the Florida version. And even a 9-year old knew it was pas la meme chose.

And then, I wet my feet in Show Biz, where all roads lead to Hollywood. Except the one I was taking. It went directly to Toronto instead. Yeah, yeah, Hollywood North (or is that Vancouver?). Whatever. I wanted the real deal. And finally, this past weekend, I got just that. My Man took me away from all this and we headed West. To Los Angeles. Hollywood, California. Sun, Sand, Sea...

Stars!!!

Yes, kids, I went on my very own private Celebrity Safari!!!

Everyone who's anyone knows that when you're on safari it's all about the acommodations, the food and of course, the animals. Wildebeest and giraffes are cool as hell, but it's the Big Five that count. Lion. Leopard. Rhino. Elephant. Buffalo. And when you go to LA it's no different. It's about where you stayed, where you ate, and who you saw. With a side of where you shopped.

Off we went, eyes peeled, looking for stars and pretending not to. Which is, of course, the Canadian way. Except in the end we may have been a little too nonchalant. We came, we ate, we shopped. But the celeb sightings? Few and far between.

Our safari began almost immediately, with a sighting of Tanya Kim. I know, I know.... Who? OK, she's not technically a star, but she is one of the hosts of an entertainment show and, as such, counts as a celeb. A local one, sure, but she was in business class. In full makeup. At 11AM. On the safari equivalency test, we'll say vulture.

We landed at LAX, rented our love machine, and hit the road. First stop, Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica. A vision of loveliness by the Pacific, it would've been even more idyllic had we not arrived at the same time as June Gloom. Never heard of it? Neither had we when we booked our trip. And, apparently, neither had The Weather Network. But it's the annual cold front that reaches LA at the beginning of June. Accompanied by grey clouds. Lots of 'em. And blustery winds. Especially by the beach. Still, it was perfect walking around weather. Except we were in LA, where everyone drives everywhere, and we'd rented a car. A convertible.

But we wrapped ourselves up in our new scarves and jackets - that's right - and hit the town. We were on a mission: to relax, eat well, see friends and shop (in no particular order). And of course we presumed we'd see stars on every corner. Because that's what people do in LA right? Right?!

My Man decided it'd be fun to play a little game where he tells me about the various actors he's spotted while my head was turned. Kind of like those annoying Euros on African Safaris who claim to have been chased down by rhinos, faced off with leopards etc. Only the Hollywood stars were far more elusive than the Big Five. And my husband was way funnier. Except he actually did see Silver (real name unknown, and unimportant) from 90210 while I tried on outfits. And he did work out with Dennis Leary in the hotel gym while I was sampling free chocolates at See's Candies. Harumph. I saw Atom Agoyan at LAX. From behind. But my guy didn't think that counted. And it probably didn't. Too locally accessible. Raccoon.

Strange thing is, all the locals know that all the visitors are looking for the stars. They know where they hang out, what they do, and no one's shy about telling you where to go to find them. The watering holes they like, the best season to find them. They're starf&cking and we're star-hunting. And everybody knows it. It's weird.

So it became all about where we ate and who we saw. Ivy by the Shore - pas de. Apparently all about the one on Robertson. We shopped and idled a bit but no sightings. But food at the Shore was awesome. And massive. Seriously. Too big even for us. And for those in the know, that's saying something!

Next day was a local spot to start- Cora's. Perfect for breakfast. Not so much for movie stars. Followed by Robertson shopping a cruise down Sunset and lunch at Mel's Diner. Because it's funny. And it was en route. Mel's Diner! Hilarious (tho' the real one is in San Fran....But you make do with what you've got, right?) Out with friends for the food and the vibe at STK. Both very good.

But where were all the movie stars?

We headed to Joan's on 3rd. A guaranteed celeb hangout. Just not while we were there. But incredible food, and hung out with an old friend who happens to be married to an actor who we actually recognize - by face. We imdb'd him on the spot and shared an "I love that guy" moment. So that was kinda neat! Especially since our pal invited us over to meet him in person if our celeb safari turned out to be less than fruitful. We never had to take her up on it - tho we would've loved to, had there been more time....Stopped in at that great Los Angeles equalizer, In 'n Out Burger and went animal style. Bun for him, lettuce for me. Incredible. All they say it is - and less. No frills, no fuss, lots of muss (mess) and deeeeeelish.

It was Saturday night. That's the equivalent of mid-day on safari. You see nothing. Still, Katsuya held some promise for us. Food was incredible, and the place was crawling with paparazzi - and loads of loser civilians with cam-corders at the ready. According to the bartender, some Lakers were coming. Whatever. Sports stars don't count. For me. My Man was on the edge of his seat. But no luck. No shows. We were then befriended by a wacky makeup artist who, I was convinced, was looking to grift us in some way. Told us she was working the red carpet the MTV Movie awards the next night and could get us in to all the parties. Even offered to do my makeup. Thought she was just some freak (until we got home, checked out her website and learned she was totally legit. Ooops. Too late.) As we waited for our car, the gawkers whipped themselves into a frenzy....Over Zach Braff (not that any of them knew who they were looking at. The just knew he was "Someone") . And yeah, he was. He is. But I don't watch Scrubs. On the safari scale? Impala.

Where were the Lions? The Elephants?

There's nothing remotely elephantine in LA, despite it being the land of good food. And also, presumably, the land of pukers, druggies, exercise fanatics. Or probably some sort of combo platter. Chateau Marmont showed us the most magnificent creatures we'd ever seen. Ever. One stunner after the next. Had no idea who they were, but it didn't matter. They just were. Magnificent to behold, fun to watch in their natural habitat, and interesting to witness life behind The Bubble first hand. Breathtaking. Migration of the Wildebeest.

Sunday was the day of rest for us. No safari. Biking in Venice instead. Carney boardwalk. Drum circle that managed to walk that fine line between between cheesy and cool. Freakshows left, right and center. And the laid back hipster vibe of Abbott Kinney. Which I LOVED. Ate quite well at 3 Square Cafe and spotted what looked like Hank's wife, Karen, from Californication. Which is kinda funny 'cuz we were in Venice, it's set in Venice...And it ended up being her! Natascha McElhone. At last! Someone we knew (not personally) from something we'd seen (and pvr'd!). How exciting! How thrilling! We even ooh-ed and aah-ed over a puppy together, cooe'd over her baby together, and acted like we were really cool and didn't know she was a star of stage and screen (even tho we did) together. We had a moment. A brush with stardom. More a giraffe than a leopard, but still...

Ended our Celeb Safari in Malibu. At the impossibly romantic (yet borderline geriatric) Geoffrey's. Which they pronounce "Joffrey's". Strange. But tasty. And host to two wedding receptions and many dates. Fun fun fun!

On the very last day I drove. By myself. In our car. It was a bit warmer, the sun poked its head out and I realized I'd fallen in like-a-lot. Despite the dearth of sun and stars, my Man and I had the best time. Amazing what 4 nights in a hotel sans kids can do. And who knew LA was such a perfect destination for a long weekend getaway? Definitely beats Buffalo.

As the good guv says, we'll be back.