FIX

So it was David v. David on the NOKIA stage. In the NOKIA theatre. N-O-K-I-A. Talk about product placement. Between Randy's repeated refrain of "you could sing the phonebook" and the mention of NOKIA it was enough to make a gal wanna hurl her salad.

That and the skewering of poor David Cook. Is it just me (and my Tuesday night AI viewing cronies), or did the whole thing feel like it was, erm....fixed?

First came Carly: stack her up and shoot her down. Week after week after week. Too shrill, too loud, too fat. She didn't stand a chance.

Then the diefication of Brooke. Somehow, that nanny could do no wrong. Oh wait, until she did. Over and over and over. Stumbling lyrics, false starts, lame dance moves. Was her longevity part of the overall plan? Part of the fix? Probably. But some things you just can't fix, and she was a goner.

The rest of 'em kind of made their own beds. Poor Chickezie - we know his name's Chickezie, baby! And hot Michael Johns. He was robbed. Then again, who's gonna remember his name, fame?

Syesha came and went somehow and is probably broadway bound already. But Archuleta... Somehow that boy with the flaring 'strils and mouth breathing grin could do no wrong...

Despite butchering Stevie. Despite the fact that his performances felt longer than singing the bloody phonebook. Despite the closed eyes and incessant trills...Despite it all the judges couldn't hold back from swooning.

Personally, I could barely hold back from snoring.

Sure he's only 17 but he's been on star search, junior idol and probably more talent contests than he'd care to admit. The guy's a seasoned pro, complete with stage dad. And yet...where on earth is his personality? Erm....aaahh....gee...shucks....thank you....

Wake me when his career fizzles, will ya?

But back to tonight....Mr Cook's swan song. Tonight, poor David Cook was well and truly, to use the judges' own cheesy boxing metaphor: KO'd. And to me it sounded plain old mean. How could they be so blatant? So obvious? That's not good tv!!! Tho' the tearing up post song 3 certainly was (and should be good for a couple million votes at least). Perhaps he's too much of an independent type for 19 Productions. Maybe the band he should be fronting is waiting in the wings to show up his predecessor and also-loser, Daughtry. Hmmmm....Chris Daughtry / Taylor Hicks. Who's the real loser? Sorry Silver Fox, but who are you again?

I was pissed at my man Simon tonight. I know AI is about as far from the edge as you can get, but still....To soooooooo wholeheartedly embrace the Middle of the Road, the morning office FM station, the Diva Ballad Covers as Sung By set that is Earny Archuleta was agonizing. Is it any wonder that the Idol numbers are down? Higher than the other shows, to be sure, but down over all. It's the Archuletas. The balladeers gone wrong.

So when Archie wins tomorrow, get ready for a confetti filled, heart (and stomach) wrenching version of That Cheesey Song. (which didn't sound unlike some gone-wrong, butchered version of an Indigo Girls tune; or a folksy harmonizer gone savage). The youngest youngsters and oldest oldies'll be screaming their tits off. While the rest of us will sadly cheer for the Word Nerd as we wait to hear about - and complain about - his first single.

Goodbye Combover Cook. Hello rock star.

And Fartchuleta? Wake me when he's over....